The Written Word

The Politically Cow-rect Guide to World-wide Cows

American farmer: You have two cows. You milk them, sell the milk at market price,
and make a profit. You buy a third cow with the profit. Repeat.

American corporate farmer: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself
and do an initial public offering on the second one. You force the two cows to
produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You
spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing
expenses. Your stock goes up.

Florida corporation: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for
the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for
the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some
people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from
out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

French farmer: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three
cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

German farmer: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they are all
blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles
an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

Iranian farmer: The imam has two cows, praise Allah. Sometimes you see
some milk. The imam denies that there is secret program for enriching the milk
into high-yield cheese. Imam calls for extermination of goat farm to the west.

Italian farmer: You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. While
ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

Japanese farmer: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth
the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to
travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow cram
school.

New York farmer: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which
one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

Polish farmer: You have two bulls. Hired hands are regularly maimed and
killed attempting to milk them.

Israeli kibbutznik: You have two cows. ‘You’ includes 99 other Israelis. It takes
all 100 of you to care for the cows. You wonder how the individual farmer
down the road manages to outperform you with only himself, his wife, and two sons.

Russian farmer: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and
learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and
learn you have forty-two cows. You count them again and learn you have twelve
cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your
tenth five-year plan in the last three months. The Mafia shows up and takes over
however many cows you really have.

Taliban farmer: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You
don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts. Then you
kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

Al-qaida farmer : You have two cows. They go into hiding. They sometimes release
blurry videos of themselves mooing. You occasionally step in a cow pat, so you know
they’re still out there.

 

Democracy

Ideal Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell
you who gets the milk.

British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go
mad. The government doesn’t do anything.

American Democracy — The Plan: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the
point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

American Democracy — What Really Happened: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate.”

Singaporean Democracy: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping
two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

 
US Political Scene

Democrat: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you
to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take
the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

Republican: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

Bureaucracy Everywhere: You have two cows. The FDA regulates what you can
feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After
that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the
drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

 

Ism’s

Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your
neighbors shoot you and take the cows.

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a
barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The
government gives you as much milk as you need.

Euro-socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the
chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the
regulations say you should need.

British Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and
raise a herd of cows.

 

Entrepreneurism: You have two cows. You rent the bull from the capitalist. After
he’s serviced your cows you return the bull so you don’t have to feed him. Your
herd grows twice as fast.

Federalism: The Federal Government prohibits milking fewer than three cows. The
State Government requires anyone owning more than one cow to milk it.

Hong Kong capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly
listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the
bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you
get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk
rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman
Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights
to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that
the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the
two cows because the fung shui is bad.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of
them, and sells you the milk.

Militarism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they
ever existed. Milk is banned.

Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Nazism: You have two cows. The Gestapo arrests them in the middle of the night,
and they are never seen again. You are under suspicion as a tool of the secret cow
conspiracy until you whole-heartedly support the doctrine that cows are responsible
for all of the Fatherland’s woes.
Under the Red Flag

Marxism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them,
and you all share the milk.

Leninism: You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary. The cows
are also shot as counter-revolutionary. The Proletariat gets the milk, but
refuses to drink such petit bourgeois beverages.

Stalinism: You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary. The cows
are put in the Gulag. The milk? What milk? Who are you, and why are you asking
about milk, Comrade?

Cold-War Communism: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

Chinese Communism [Maoist]: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the
government takes all the milk.

Chinese Communism [Contemporary]: Two cows belong to the State. For the benefit of Progressive Socialism, you may milk them, as long as you sell one and one-half times their production to the commune for half the cost of production.
Philosophy

Western Religion: All praise and glory to the cow who gives us her milk which
supports our bodies and nourishes our soul.

Eastern Religion: Cows may or may not be. The true cow is inside. Drink the milk.
Chant.

Middle-Eastern Religion: There is no Cow but Cow, and the other Cow is Her Prophet.

Existentialism: Cows are. Milk may or may not be, but it hardly matters, now
does it?

Nihilism: Cow is dead.

Alternative Theories

Counter culture: Wow, dude, there’s like… these two cows, man. You just got to
have some of this milk.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica
lessons.

Feminism: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or
killing them.

Political correctness: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a
symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant, patriarchal past) two
differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified
gender.

Californian: You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its
life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a
taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One gives milk; the
other doesn’t. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for
discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-producing cow to pay the
damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change
your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in
your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help “working
cows.” Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 th of your farm “for
the children.” The California General Assembly passes a law giving your farm to
Mexico. The LA Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death.
The LA Times’ analysis shows your business failure is President Bush Trump’s* fault.

*Update.

And finally:

Fark.com: Ceiling cow is watching you milk!
IZE IN YR BARN DRNKING YR MLKZ
ORRLY????
Your cow is an a$$hat. DIAF!
[All cows perish in ensuing flamewar.]